i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
You Might Also Like
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”