I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
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I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.