i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
multitasking lunch
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes