I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it