I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
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Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??