I hate when that happens.
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Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet