I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
There is no “we” in pizza
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
m’lady
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.