my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”