I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
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I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.