@JasonLastname

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

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@AndyAsAdjective

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

@Reverend_Scott

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

@robyn_vo

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

@AnOrangeSNES

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@iSpeakComedy

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@wendchymes

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

@ojedge

[Blackstreet Bakery]

Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”

Baker: “No diggity?”

Me: “Baguette up.”

@Token_Geezer

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..