I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
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“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..