I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
You Might Also Like
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him