Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess