I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
How do you like your Corgi?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.