@eleniZarro

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

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@Angrea

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@shawnhitch22

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

@lizzzzzielogan

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

@MicheleAKALips

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

@WilliamAder

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

@BDGarp

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

@Jayson_Two_time

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

@theregoesrichie

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.