I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Thereâs no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave âem like we have a great deal of concern.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until youâre on the phone speaking to someone else.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Someone at work sent an email that said âhappy Mondayâ so Iâm going to HR.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and youâve got yourself a deal
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Once a toddler learns âwhy?â Itâs all over
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving backđŹ
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, âMy Fatherâs Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldnât be a father,â then she added, âYouâre welcome,â before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late