I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.