I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
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We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.