I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
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If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering