i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
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my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
absolute chaos
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
HBO
HBO GO
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HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event