I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
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Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
yeah not falling for this one
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.