I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.