I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
You Might Also Like
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers