I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
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In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?