i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.