@smhbrb A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
@NYC_Blonde “I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
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@smhbrb 
@SteveDutzy THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
@HatfieldAnne The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
@Twits_Giggles It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
@dshack8 Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
@TheTweetOfGod The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
@daddygofish Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
@JimGaffigan “How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
@ch000ch sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means