@NYC_Blonde

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

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@smhbrb

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

@SteveDutzy

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

@HatfieldAnne

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

@Twits_Giggles

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

@dshack8

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

@TheTweetOfGod

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

@daddygofish

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

@JimGaffigan

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

@ch000ch

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means