I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?