I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
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Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?