i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
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I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly