@jannable9 People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
@FlyJ_ I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
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@jannable9 
@997omar Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
@blade_funner 1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
@smithsara79 [dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
@jeannerbeaner “Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
@QwertyJones3 “Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
@wife_housy Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
@dtee83 The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
@shkeeber “No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
@Coepacetic At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.