I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
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I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.