@AnniemuMary

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

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@MomofTeen

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

@Try2StopME

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

@jenlaw_11

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

@Tharin_P

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

@Darlainky

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

@AimeeHelene1

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

@msdanifernandez

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

@Mom_Overboard

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it