I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”