I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.


The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.


“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl


Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants


Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?


Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”


CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
Me: That’s my signature.


Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart


Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.


Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it