I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.