I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
You Might Also Like
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Happy weekend !
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
courtroom exchange of the day
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Generation gap…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*