I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
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Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”