I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”