I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles