I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
he chose this
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.