I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again