@SteveKoehler22

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

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@dsmitty_62

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

@IAmYardDad

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

@SondraDeeMe

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

@CroweJam

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

@kimtopher22

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

@CruisinSoozan

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

@Cheeseboy22

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.