I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!