I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

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Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg


There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”


I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.


There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.


“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”


Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.


Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.


Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.