I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun