I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
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Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork