I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Important reminders
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
This checks out
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My hips? Compulsive liars.