“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit