“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
NASA has no chill
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.