I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
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Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?