I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
*watches the world burn*
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”