@TheCiscoKidder

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

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@trevso_electric

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

@ColoradoUgly

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

@LeahsLounge

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

@click4amanda

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

@JasonLastname

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

@CandaceAmos

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

@alexjmann

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?