I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
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I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”
Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!