I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
“How’s your day going?”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Did…did a minotaur write this
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear