I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
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My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Banking tips
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal