I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
This one’s “Alex”.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50