I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?