I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there