I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*