i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
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DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.