I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.