“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?