I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
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CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Found the job I’m suited for
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?