I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.